Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse: A How-To

1)     Don’t freak out. – Just don’t. The one who freaks out in the scary movies is always the first to die! You know it’s true. Keep your cool; it’s just a bunch of undead people trying to eat you. Not a big deal.

2)     Get to know your zombie friends!-  What kind of zombies are we dealing with? Is it the zombies from World War Z, because those zombies don’t play around. Or are they more manageable zombies like the ones in the Walking Dead who can’t run or target anyone? Know your zombie facts!

pic10642903)     Have direct contact with someone from the Zombie Apocalypse Response Team: I really want to know if this is a real thing, but their bumper stickers seem pretty legit so I’m including them. Even if it’s not contact with them per say, you’re more likely to stay alive if you stick with someone who knows what they’re doing. That’s why I’m dating my boyfriend!

4)     Learn how to live without food. – Just kidding. But really let’s talk about how hard it will be to just walk over to your nearest Walgreens and buy a pack of Lifesaver gummies. There will be brains everywhere. BRAINS. So think ahead! Pack what the real apocalypse people call a Bug Out Bag and keep food in it. Also, learning how to trap, Hunger Games style might be a more sustainable option. Of course that will never be me because I will never be as hard as Katniss Everdeen. Fuzzy bunny= cute pet.

5)     Carry Something-Anything- Protect yourself! Carry a butter knife, a rusty spoon, a bat, the base of a lamp. Carry something that you can use to hit zombies with. You could be really freaking awesome and carry a Machete, but let’s not get carried away. I don’t know about anyone else, but I’m more towards the rusty spoon stage of protection items.

6)     Learn how to make a really stealth fort- I already know how to make forts, Camouflage-Tentsas does everyone else who had any type of childhood. Channel your inner 5-year-old! Make the biggest, baddest fort that has ever been created. Here’s the hard part: hide it. This isn’t the time to use pretty pink pillows and rainbow blankets. You have to sleep in a place where you know you’ll be safe, so whip out some camouflage sheets or you can get those really cool things that are like car covers with leaves glued onto them. The point is, blend in!

7)     Be Resourceful! – Live off the land apocalypse style! First thing you need to do is get a book about what you can eat and what you can’t. You don’t want to be that guy who died because he ate the pink berries instead of the red ones. Once you have your book, carry it everywhere. Nature sucks occasionally but it also gives us strawberries (my favorite) and blueberries and raspberries and I could go on. The point is to use your resources because it will save your life. Unless you’re killed by a zombie, in which case you should plan for your berries to go to your next of kin.

men-dressed-as-zombies-walk-through-the-central-business-district-during-the-sydney-zombie-walk-on8)     BE QUIET- In every movie or TV show ever made with zombies in it, they either hate sound or are attracted to sound or become vicious from noise. Shut up. Might save your life.

9)     RUN- all the time. Just do it.

PS– If you want to show off your mad zombie apocalypse skills you should come to Survive Towson! It’s a zombie apocalypse themed game of manhunt where you get chased around campus by zombies!! I’m so excited about this. There’s going to be a bunch of challenges on top of trying not to become a zombie, and whoever completes them all as a human wins! It starts at 6:30 in Freedom Square this Friday! Be there or you’ll just be wondering why a bunch of zombies are running around campus, and that’s not half as fun.

–Lexy Wright

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